Friday, May 11, 2012

Nisa and Adin: A Fairy Tale of Love

Nisa lived across the street from Adin in the fabled city of Bangalore, and had been for quite a few months, but they were still strangers. They could see each other's rooms through their windows, and Nisa had hoped it would lead to a friendship or more but it hadn't because Adin never looked. Too scared to give him a visit, she was losing hope when a brilliant idea struck her - she got a pair of binoculars delivered to his house.

She was sure this would get them started because she had given him not only the permission to look, but also the very device he could use. This wasn’t an offer he could refuse. But she had forgotten to consider that there were other windows besides hers in the locality.

He started using the binoculars to look at another woman who lived at the third vertex from them. This was terrible, and Nisa decided that men couldn't be trusted - they could use your presents for other women. She would have given up but he was the only man she had ever sent binoculars to, and you can only send binoculars once. She hit upon another idea - she ordered food at his address and bribed the delivery guy to carry a meal she'd cooked for Adin, with a note. Again, to her horror as soon as he got the meal, he invited over the other woman. She saw them eating the meal together and afterwards when the lights went out in his house, she felt she would die.

So she decided, "to hell with him." After this she went on to try out a number of men, and over the next few weeks the lights went out a number of times in her room too, but Adin either didn't notice or didn't care. Soon, she got tired of her little nightly excitements and felt the other men were nothing more than needles that she was using only as brief distractions. She got off them, and thought she had many nights of lonely despair ahead of her when she got another great idea.

She got books delivered to his house and would dress up as the heroines in those stories and stand at her window. The first was Romeo and Juliet. It took him a week to read it, and guessing what scene he could be reading, she dressed in the different attires of Juliet. Sure enough, he came to his window again and again and looking in at her, found his imagination personified. This was powerful. He would never get this Juliet out of his mind. Next was Layla and Majnu. And then Salim and Anarkali. And then Orpheus and Eurydice. Seeing that all these had ended badly, she finally sent him Pride and Prejudice. Emboldened, perhaps by the happy ending, Adin finally made the long walk across the street to Nisa's house.

It rained for a month from the night they first met. He couldn't go back to his house. In fact they couldn't go anywhere outside of her house. Soon there was a flood in the city and everyone in their locality left on the relief boats that came. But Nisa and Adin neither saw the boats nor any need of leaving. They didn't eat or drink for a month. Their only nutrition was each other, the heroes and heroines they played, and the never-ending rain. Soon they were the only people in the city.

After a month, the rain stopped. At the same time, Adin told Nisa he could no longer see those ancient heroines in her - what had she done to them? Nisa had dismissed those roles as childish and couldn't turn them on anymore. She didn't recall why she had decided this wouldn't trouble them. Adin, receiving no response, decided that women couldn't be trusted - they charmed you with roles they couldn't keep up. He went back to his house.

The next night, as he sat alone in his room in the abandoned city, he had a strong urge to go back to her, but decided to wait a few months to let her become as distant from him as Juliet, Layla, Anarkali, Eurydice and Elizabeth, and as charming.

The next few months were unbearably hot, and Adin spent his time clearing the city of debris. When he went back to Nisa's house, she looked sick. When he looked closer he saw that she was expecting a child. He felt angry at her for not telling him, almost stealing his child away from him for so long. But he never saw his own house again.

The child was born a few months later, and they named her Nida. After Nida was born, Nisa and Adin did not get a chance to talk to each other for four years. Nida tossed around on the bed all night between them, and ran round and round all day in the house. Nisa and Adin had to keep their eyes on her all the time. All they saw of each other were their distorted reflections in child's lustrous skin.

As soon as she turned four, Nida stopped tossing around on the bed and running around the house. By now, people had started returning and rebuilding the city. Nida left home, and only visited Nisa and Adin now and then.

Nisa and Adin realized they had become strangers again. They involved themselves in household chores and felt uncomfortable in each other's company. Nisa spent a lot of time sitting alone. She became extremely sensitive to small changes in her surroundings. She could hear insects crawling on plants. She could feel the extremely uneven texture of the smooth marble floor. She reached her limit when one afternoon, sitting in her chair in her dark room, she felt the earth going round and round and round. It felt like death. She got up and ran out of the house.

She did not return for a year and Adin began to think she never would, when he saw her driving in a huge truck full of plants. She looked much younger as she told him she had gone around the world and collected one thousand and one saplings that they would plant around their home. When Adin asked her why, she told him about that afternoon one year ago and that the one thousand and one trees would slow down the rotation of the earth, and they would never have to hear it again.

"But I've been listening to the rotation ever since I was a teenager," Adin said.
Nisa, surprised, asked, "But how can you bear it, it is horrible."
"I made peace with it a long time back," Adin said.

Nisa felt she could never do that, and went ahead in her garden to plant the saplings. She worked all day, day after day. When Adin saw her now he remembered her as when she used to dress up like the ancient heroines and stand in her window. He wondered if they were following a cycle of coming closer and growing apart, like heavenly bodies in a helpless orbit.

But seeing her today, he felt she was now completing the second line of a couplet, the first line of which they had written during the month of the never-ending rain. And the rhyme that this second line completed made him feel once again the way he had felt then. He could hear the song of their life now, and it was beautiful. Their life was a poem, and as one line ended, they would have to work on the next line, completely new and tiring to begin with, but which would continue the rhyme and rhythm of their past. Like a poem, their days would be fresh and recurring at the same time. And he ran out in the garden to work with her.

Out of the one thousand and one trees, only a hundred and one could survive the Indian climate. But these one hundred and one flourished with Nisa and Adin's hard work, and very soon they found themselves living in a forest. And no one was able to find a way to them now except Nida, who also lost them after a while. Today, they don't hear the machinery of earth's rotation anymore. They only hear the rustling of leaves, the chattering of birds, and a thousand other sounds of pleasure that I haven't heard and can't describe. It is said they found their way back to Eden, and the last heroine Nisa played was Eve, and the last hero Adin played was Adam.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Birth of a Politician


The apartments were built up to 33 floors when the building collapsed. We received a phone call from a relative and I was there with my parents within an hour. Noida Sector 50 had came to a standstill. There were dust clouds for kilometers on end. The insurance company had already refused to pay alleging foul play by Maharaj Singh, MLA. Apart from the dozens killed, hundreds of families had lost their life's savings. Each brick that fell was a day of somebody's life, turned to dust. It was the first time I saw tears in my father's eyes.

That was three years ago. Today, I work for Maharaj Singh, MP. I check security arrangements at the functions he attends. For today's function, I've also managed to have a gun in my pocket, which I am not allowed.

I watched him ready himself for this press conference. He was staring in the mirror at his confident look, unworried that he'd be fielding questions about three fake encounters he's charged with ordering. To him this is a game, with ups and downs, with good days and bad. He lives in a suspended reality where objects are fluid, people are ghosts and he is the wizard, able to change shape at will. He will not survive any other way of life. It's heroic how he manages his ten different faces. I've hated him passionately for the last three years and I'm decided I'm going to be seen in newspapers all over tomorrow, blowing his brains out.

The press is gathered, a hundred reporters and cameramen, shooting questions at Maharaj Singh. I'd seen him prepare for the exact same questions, as if the exam was leaked. He answers unfazed - he had no role in this, he had no knowledge, he himself is appalled, he would start an enquiry, he is concerned - the more he speaks, the readier my hand's grip is on the gun. But I wait for the right moment. I need to send out a message, not merely go down as a terrorist.

"What do you have to say, sir, about the cartoons going around of you, showing you as General Dyer disguised in Dhoti-Kurta, ordering a massacre in Akshardham?" a reporter asks. I know Maharaj is unprepared for this. But he replies -

"That's good work. All great governments in history have been made possible by bitter citizens finding newer and more creative ways to satirize their leaders."

The motherfucker. He has the gift of language. He has pulled a Winston Churchill. The press grows thoughtful. They want to get down every last word of that sentence. To them, truth exists in language. It begins and ends in language. They are impressed. I see his smug face. I wonder what Mr. Churchill would look like if he knows his death stands behind him. The press have mellowed down. It brings me to the edge. I wrap my arm around his neck and point the gun to his head.

That was two hours ago. Right now, I'm sitting with him in a basement in Khadar, out of the reach of the world. I should have killed him. But I won't lie, I want to know his secret. He's too precious to be killed. I want to be him. They were simple days when you could kill a lord and take his place. I want to negotiate with him. I've worked with him for two years now and I don't know at what point hatred turned into jealousy, and jealousy into ambition. I could be him, I know have the moral strength. But there's something I don't have that he has, and I intend to find out what. I feel like Laxman trying to learn from a dying Ravan, humbled before the evil greatness.

Should I kill myself before I turn into him? I see his surprised eyes as I dance the gun between his head and mine. He doesn't know what I feel. But you do, and can perhaps answer me. What am I doing? Is the common man crazy? Do we all have a heart of darkness?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Saved moments


To save a moment
to snatch it from time
to hold merely a drop of rain in my palm
I sacrificed all the others
forcing all their life
into one full of perfection
creation inspiration.

I have a few of them now
stored away in a private place
in an form obscure and uninteresting to most.

They lie here waiting
as part of our small immaterial game
to save me someday
like I saved them.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

soft, smooth brown

Through a narrow gap
I saw a soft, smooth brown ridge
form on your arm
as you closed your window.

And at two in the morning,
dreaming unafraid among the clouds,
I was unprepared for this heartbreaking gentleness.

And I spent the rest of the night mourning
the loss of that moment,
because I might knock on your door
and you might open it,
but I'll never again see under those clouds
the soft, smooth brown ridge
form on your arm
at two in the morning
as you close your window.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Empty moments


And what should I do with these empty moments?
They expand and engulf, silencing my story.

They make me dread and run, leaving me askew.

Maybe they aren't real -
a result of excesses from different directions,
like traffic stopped at a crossing.

And traffic, as of a mad city,
that doesn't care where it goes.

But once they pass,
there's nothing I want so bad,
as empty moments.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Death of a Consultant

I am a dying consultant. Well, I'm not really dying, but my career as a consultant is pretty much over. I'm 35, recently diagnosed with a condition called something in which any hypothesis that leaves my vocal chords hurts me, and the more far-fetched the hypothesis, the more the pain. And not only that, I literally spew blood and my voice gets reduced to sharp squeaks when my statements get inaccurate. The last meeting I had with a client, things got so out of hand that the whole group was sitting with blood on their faces and their hands on their ears. My bullshitting days were over, and I got fired.

But enough about me. Let me tell you about her. She was the sunshine in our otherwise gloomy office. She could not only play the clients, but everyone inside of our office too. This is the story about how she played me that one time. Today she is married to some guy in some ministry and has two kids, and remembering their lovely faces, I'd keep the raunchier details of our relationship and her real name out of this story. I'll just call her Layla.

It was a rushed beginning of the day in office while the cool Bangalore morning lay wasted outside. She came to my cubicle all worked up. She told me she had to fly to Mumbai that evening for an early morning meeting the next day at the customer support of a bank. She had to present a report to some big-shot there and had nothing at all. I was pleasantly surprised that she had came to me until she told me I was to go with her and make the presentation. She told me that since she had nothing and I had nothing, I might as well present. And take this - I stalled my work and agreed. It was Layla.

Did I love her? In a way. It was the kind of love you feel whenever you walk past a certain cubicle and then don't feel it again for the rest of day, until you pass by it again. There was only one such cubicle for me, and it was Layla's. On our way to the airport she told me the client's problem. They wanted to 'increase efficiency' across their floor. Increase efficiency, I thought, you couldn't be more vague. But I was happy with this, if they're vague, we can be vague. So this was the problem I'd have to keep at the back of my mind while I'm courting her tonight. Now don't get me wrong. In my interactions with women I'm never a wolf, I stick to my species.

I needed to get something else cleared up too. While waiting at the airport I casually asked her, if she didn't mind, how things were going for her outside of the office. "You know how it is, I hardly get time for anything outside of the office." That is good, I thought, she is single. I was amazed, and even a little embarrassed at how different things were now from school or college. I always started out sincere then. And today, I needed to go through an entire awkward routine before I allow myself to start getting sincere.

She went to sleep as soon as we took off. I was a bit sleepy myself, but there was no way I could sleep - I had two major projects in the next 24 hours. The lights were switched off and soon most people dozed off. In a while a child's whimpering turned into loud yelps. I was surprised that it woke no one up except its mother. The mother took out a box and tried to feed the child out of it. She seemed to be having a hard time so I walked up to her seat and held the box for her. There was candy, biscuits and the like inside. She was pretty calm and started chatting. I told her I could check with the attendants for some dinner for the child. "No, not necessary, I have what I call his Anytime Breakfast Box with me. Kids don't follow our meal timings. They just wake up anytime, take a few bites, and go back to sleep. Something sweet, something salty, a little sip of something, and it's done. It's the solution to everything." Great, I thought. The solution to everything. And this started a chain of thought that would lead to my suggesting the Anytime Breakfast Box to the client as the solution to his efficiency problem.

I walked back to my seat. Layla was sleeping like an angel but I had to wake her up. I told her about the Anytime Breakfast Box.
"You're kidding."
"I'm serious. See how I do it tomorrow."
"Fine, it's your project now. Do it the way you want."

I soon realized that I had gotten carried away, The thought crossed my mind that if this fails, it would be last project in the company. But I had told Layla, and now I couldn't back-off.

My presentation slides were all pictures. Three categories, titled - Sugar somethings, Salt somethings, Fluid. It was pretty easy to prepare. Candy, granola, chips, oats, biscuits, lemonade, soda - I put everything in there. I give you here the proceedings of the meeting -

"Gentlemen, we have performed an extremely detailed study of your processes, and have narrowed down your problems to one fact - a definitive, though short-term decrease in the effective IQ of your employees that takes place while they work. Any person doing repetitive work faces a decrease in effective IQ which lasts only a few hours. To recover the lost IQ, the employee, against his will, engages in activities which the low IQ dictates him to, such as idle chatter, blank staring at walls, mumbling and fumbling, cracking poor jokes, drooling, excessive urination and facebooking. This is the root cause of all inefficiency."

I made a pause, letting it sink in.

"But as always, we have a solution. And as always, it's cheap and effective. The philosophy behind our solution is a continuous supply of energy to the employees, continuously replenishing their effective IQ. Gentlemen, I present to you - The Anytime Breakfast Box."

As I ran through the slides, I couldn't tell if the contortions in their faces were disbelief or anger. Layla had closed her eyes, awaiting the storm. "You are shitting us," was the verdict. The big-shot asked his man, the guy who had hired us, "Were you in on this charade?" He said no.

I sank. My head spun. I lost speech. It was a total black-out. I realized the absurdity. I had gone insane. I could check myself into an asylum. The only thought that passed my head was the disbelief with which they would fire me back at my company. I was sinking deeper and deeper when I looked at Layla. Nothing happened. I kept on sinking. My eyes must have closed because the letters CONSULTANT flashed before me. They were lit in neon. I saw that I was standing on a busy crossing and all the shops around me had these letters flashing blinking marqueeing on them. I realized at that moment that it was by hands like mine that civilization is built. I am the consultant in this room. I'm the one to be listened to. I shot back like a rocket, my blast radiating the room.

"Gentlemen, I understand your thoughts. I felt the same way when the thought first came to me. But think about it, your processes are dictated by your business. You can't do much about them. You can't do much about distractions - people walking in, change of weather, telephone calls. There are others who'll tell you the solutions that never work. I'm telling you something that'll work. You can choose to implement it, or you can repent five years later when the Anytime Breakfast Box is the industry standard. Every new idea seems ridiculous at first. Think about how simple it is - give one of these boxes to every employee every day, and see your profits rise. So tell me gentlemen, do you have the stomach for change? Of course, if you want the stale security of old solutions, I can work one of those out for you in a couple of hours."

I saw that shadow pass over their faces, which tells you it has worked. They were nodding. The consultant mojo had prevailed. Layla could see it too. She was beaming. My heart was barely within my chest. I had nailed both my projects.
The client agreed to the solution. I don't know about Layla but I walked out of there nothing but stunned. I wanted to run, as if I had picked their pockets and it was only a matter of time before they discovered that and chased me down. It was then that Layla lay the bomb on me.
"I'm so excited, I can't wait to tell my boyfriend."
"Boyfriend?"
"Yes, he works for Rahul Gandhi."

I stopped dead. I stopped dead in the middle of the road. The traffic stopped too. I was looking into the eyes of every driver in every vehicle, seeing the anger in their eyes that had risen in sympathy with me. She had tricked me. I thanked them and assuring them I could handle myself, I crossed the road.

After that day, I went on a mad spree, a death spiral where I didn't care what happened to me. I wanted to get hurt. Badly. Fired, destitute, starving, stoned. In this insanity I sold to dozens of organizations the Anytime Breakfast Box idea, and others I invented, crazier, such as the Midnight Anthem Recital, the Corpse Perspective Parade and the Dog-Bitch Laydown. Amazingly, I grew and grew. The ideas which were certain to get me fired were the best accepted ones. I gave up, and just basked in the glory until, as I told you earlier, I got this condition. I guess I abused my gift. Now I spew blood whenever I speak, or rather, squeak.

I have lost any sense of the truth. I mean it's one thing to lie, it's another thing to not even know what truth is. But then, here I am. Of course, it's not the end of the world, because I've taken to writing. Writing fiction. Finally channeling my bullshit in the right direction.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Love poem


When you and I get together
we can while away a lot of time
just walking up and down the street
walking up and down the street
walking up and down the fucking street
hand in hand
as if we were fourteen.
Forgetfulness comes easy
when you and I get together.

Friday, January 13, 2012

For this year


Last year I learnt to hear
the silence that exists within music.
I learnt to slow down enough
to feel the grains of time
roughing up my fingertips.
Slow enough, to even sometimes
be the centre of the universe
and see whirling around me
unstoppable mad circles of lives.
Slow enough to see the twists and shakes
of shooting stars,
to make mortal legends.
This year, I wish it all
to regain the right rhythm.

Friday, December 02, 2011

May I present...


I don't want you to read this poem -
just pass it by as if you were
on the road in a vehicle
with time only for a glance,
and wonder what it might have said,
wonder how it came to be at all
today, from a different era.

Does this look appealing?
Without even having reading it?
Is the shape of this
more appealing, than say, an advertisment?
A newspaper article? A status message?
Has stuff written in this shape,
ever said anything, meant anything,
added anything to you?

Well then, it would not be a complete
waste of your time
to read some of these.
Not this one, but better and beautiful,
written by those who, the only thing they did
was write these.

Saturday, November 05, 2011

A lifetime of errors

You need to keep creating gods,
as the old ones cease to exist.
Need to keep things that are beyond your reach,
in your vicinity.

Overtaking everything, enjoying nothing,
Hopping too quick, leaving large gaps.
More worked up in your moments of rest,
you're biting off more than you can chew.

Things might seem fine, and then explode,
Sheep, though exceptional, may still herd to doom,
The old cannot see the future,
and what they know no longer exists.

Your moments of beauty will be snatched away
by the ugliness you've systematically ignored.
 The collected force of a lifetime of errors
would visit you when you can least take it.
As the rug is pulled out from under your mind,
you will topple into insanity as you helplessly watch
the world still going around, taking it for granted.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

मेरी यार के नए यार के लिये

जो सोच के बैठा हो की बच के निकल लेगा बे
भूल जा साले, तेरी अर्थी को मेरा कन्धा जल्दी मिलेगा बे |

वो जान थी मेरी पिछ्ले पूरे एक साल
कल बात भी नही करने दी, तू साला बना है दारोगा बे |

केहता है गलती से भी देख मत लेना उसे अब
मेरी पलकों के पीछे वो बनी है, उसका क्या कर लेगा बे |

मेरी आँखें बाँध की दीवारें बन चुकी हैं
पर तुझे रुलाये बिना मेरा एक कतरा नहीं बहेगा बे |

पर बहुत दिनों के बाद उसको हँसते हुए देखा तेरे साथ
लगा कि ये एक काम ऐसा है जो मुझसे बेहतर तू ही करेगा बे |

उसको भी और कोई नहीं मिला तुझ कमीने के इलावा
पर अब तेरे साथ है, तो मरेगा जो ख्याल नहीं रखेगा बे |

गलती मेरी भी थी, शान घट जाती जो बात मान लेता विभव
जा माफ किया, शायद तेरा साथ ही उसके लिये अच्छा रहेगा बे |

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Red light

I was waiting at the red at a crossing,
and in that brief period of rest -
no going forward or back
but just looking at life rushing across -
I felt a stillness,
a moment of complete stop,
like in a painting.

I knew there was a poem there,
though it turned green before I wrote it down.

(I got started here - http://rendezvous-with-gulzar.blogspot.com/2011/09/rendezvous-with-gulzar-11.html)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Changing the World

For those who don't roll like Anna Hazare -

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

-Somebody long back.

Buried, restless

After six hours of struggle
with sleep and waking,
it dawns on me
that there is no fulfillment,
and the only sustainable hope is
for a ceaseless struggle
against something or the other,
preferably one that I lose ceaselessly.

I can see about twenty closed windows,
each with lives just like mine
and nothing like mine
lives to which I will never connect,
and if I do,
it'll be useless.
Things will not work
and it'll not make me sad,
and if they do
it'll not make me happy.

There will be days and nights,
there will be work and fun,
people will leave and come to stay
things will take up all of my time,
and yet there will be plenty of doing nothing.

There will remain
a part sensitive and eager
but buried, untouched, except grazed once in a while
by a sleepless night
and buried again.

That part when touched will withdraw,
will want but not accept,
will resist but give in,
will do everything to keep me alive,
and away from other lives.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Abundance Romance

Started by Divesh's wanting to see if the abundance of time, money, or love is anywhere close to being as romantic as their scarcity. I've tried to say yes (or no).

Time

I raise my eyes from the newspaper
to your face, engrossed in your book.
It is changed, and I haven't kept track
for a number of years now,
but I don't expect to be surprised,
by anything,
except maybe the fact that we're having coffee
at a shop, for some reason,
instead of our dining table, or somewhere around.

People around us seem to be moving
incredibly faster.
I sit and wonder, if change for us
is worth it, or even possible.

Our days have chafed against one another
in the past,
but have smoothed until
one gives to way to
an indistinguishable another.
What we leave off today,
we can continue tomorrow, or never.

If only someone was dying.

Money

I happened to take a walk in a street -
pretty, elegant and serene,
trees drooping over houses, soft-lit and in need
of no additions or repair,
with enough roofed and open space
for a person to live out
all his good times and bad.

I was surprised
because I belong in one of those houses,
actually it belongs to me,
and I could hear a noise somewhere,
that I couldn't trace to any of those,
which in fact appeared uninhabited
except for the soft lights and the immaculate repair.

I walked for a long while,
saw nothing unusual
and felt prohibited myself from doing anything so.
That evening my street
felt pretty, elegant and serene,
and I couldn't help thinking -
so does a graveyard.

Love

I remember when we started out,
I used to try hard
and sleep at the end of each day
happy and drained.

And when I slipped once,
you said it was okay.
I never rose above that level
once you accepted me there.
And then I slipped some more,
and it was okay again,
and again, and again.

I fell, and fell, and fell
with nothing to stop or support me.
I found your love undiminished,
and continued to fall
until I was at the bottom,
feeling the incredible pressure,
unable to see or breathe anything else.

I had no choice but to leave
the endless ocean of your love.